Thursday, June 26, 2008

We interrupt for this moment of silliness

It's time for another break from the seriousness.

The Value of a Drink

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame . Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you won dering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.

'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.'
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
**Warning removed due to the evolution of a society in which such things are no longer considered humorous.

'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the ' Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That' s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

And here is the rest of it.


Diane J Standiford said...

Wow. I've never had a drink in my life, but I feel smarter just reading about it. Wait. Is white wine a drink? OMG, this was so funny plus I now know why I'm so stupid.

Anonymous said...

These are GREAT! Loved all the disclaimers after them also. Thanks for the chuckles! :-D

PS- I Wikipedia-ed Erik Prince. WOW! What a cluster of weirdness! And yup, his dad is in tight with good old James Dobson (who I have blogged about before) and the folks who are paying to tear down our equality in Oregon! The "Blackwater" thing is a little scary...